I’ve been getting cold feet since you told me you were leaving and you weren’t sure if we could spend one last day together.

When I miss someone, it usually cones with this ache that feels an awful lot like heartbreak, as if I’m never going to see you again. And you leaving me feels like I’m reliving the moment when every single person I had loved, left me.

And I hate feeling so helpless because I know I can’t do anything if we can’t spend time these next few days. But it hurts a lot. Leaving this way tastes like regret in my mouth. Bitter. Not even the way your name rolls off my tongue can wash away the taste of you leaving.

I swear I’m trying, because I love you too much just to let you leave like that. People always left without a proper goodbye and they never came back. What if that happens with you? What if you didn’t come back or I didn’t come back? I imagine myself on a plane crash on the way to wherever I’m headed and I hate myself for being this selfish. I feel like I’ll only see you again on the next life. There’s this great divide between us already, and I don’t know how I can forge this distance between us.

I don’t want us to start a new chapter this way. I want to be able to spend time with you one more time, to be able to convince myself to not give up. Because I love you, I know with my whole soul that it’s meant to be yours. Every other lover I’ve had hadn’t been able to calm this uneasiness within me. They’ve come close, but I know I only want you. I want to feel your skin, to be able to remind myself that this is what I’ll be missing for the years to come.

Please let me say goodbye to you one last time. Please help me ease this pain. Please just let me be with you again. Every atom of my being is screaming because of the injustice of everything. The end doesn’t always justify the means. I don’t want to suffer in the years I’ll be missing you with only the mere probability that we might end up together.

I know we will. My heart and soul believes that it will still be you in the end. It’s only my mind that needs one last convincing.

I love you so much. Please just let me have this one last thing.

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always in love

i daydreamed about you a lot these past few weeks. i imagine your voice soothing the anxiety in my soul, your whispers of forever before your lips touch mine. i dream of a space where you and i are tangled up in each other’s presence, without interruption nor delay. but reality always pulls me back in just in time for your hands to hold me, before your lips touch mine, and it’s so frustrating because I’ve been craving to have a piece of your soul, and to have it taken away from me is heartbreaking.

what im trying to say is that im trying to make more adventures with you, however small the given moments are. i’d reach for your hand despite mine trembling with exhaustion. what im trying to say is i want more time with you. i want more of your addicting smiles thrown at me whenever i press my cheek against your shoulder while we walk. i want more of your infectious laughter whenever i try to say something funny. i want more of your kisses, the soft ones you give me after a long day of not seeing each other and the hard ones on days where i can’t wait to feel your skin on mine. i want more of your dreams and futures, the way you talk about them with a kind of light in your eyes i wish would never flicker out. i want more of your voice, singing with your lips pressed against my ears, whispering words that make my heart shake and my lips tremble with emotion. i want more time with you. more moments with you. i want more of you, i can never get enough.

if there was a forever

These days have felt like a dream, and I’m always afraid I’m going to wake up and not find you here with me. You touching me gives me assurance that all of this is real, that you’re here, that you love me still. I never want to wake up, if this were a dream. I’ve been struggling to keep my tears at bay for a while now, I don’t want your memories of me to be sad. I want you to always remember me as someone constantly smiling, constantly clinging to your arm, constantly wanting to kiss you and joke around with. I want you to remember me happy, so that in the years we’re apart, when the ache of missing me becomes too much, you can remember to be happy as well.

hey when i looked at you in the full roundness of your eyes i said i could find a part of you that i liked, right. because my mama always said that i should give men more chances, and that’s kind of fucked up but it’s the way things is. you know? girls are always always always bitches, but a man gets another chance no matter how many times he’s got no reason to be pardoned.

and i felt bad whenever i said no, or “i don’t like that” or “you move too quickly” i felt bad when i shifted away or went home or ran with my heart still locked in me. i felt like i had to make excuses for saying things, for being not-with-you, for not liking your opinions. give me a chance! you hollered at every intersection.

you’re right and i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m a bad person – i got a “gut feeling” and that’s not fair, is it, i’m supposed to have a hand of cards all full of your guilt or else it’s my fault, and it’s my fault, and i’m a bitch, and you’re actually a great person, and this is a dream, but god, when i flinch, i feel the crack in my teeth.

-raquel de aldarete