Icarus

Icarus filled me with this unexplainable warmth
and his smile would always leave a mark
He was my sun, the light in my life,
the stars I would look up to whenever I’m in the dark

but then I saw how his coffee brown eyes
dulled and gradually lost color
As his flame slowly burned out
and his smile became smaller

I watched him slowly slip away from my grasp
In pieces I could never seem to catch
Because my hands are too tired to hold on and keep clasp
Around the heart no one seemed to match

If I were to go back in time,
If I were to replay a moment once more
Instead of him falling into the sea,
Let him fall into my arms, forevermore.

Instead of carving our story into a tragedy, I will cherish him and adore
I wouldn’t let him knock on suicide’s door

Take me back to the time where he still kissed my head.
Take me back to the warmth of his smile instead.

-10-10-17
In honor of World Mental Health Day.

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someone to write about

It’s not love, but if he needs me to stay up all night with him, I will.
these nights I lie awake with the thought of him on my mind
the way he smiles, the way his warm, brown eyes would light up, how he looks when he has his guard down. his vulnerability is an endearing quality i found myself captivated by.

and i don’t know why.

If he tells me to wait a hundred days for him, I will.
time doesn’t exist when he laughs, all those melody pouring out from his lips is a song i wish i could capture down and paint in the colors of his eyes, so that i may never forget.
in an alternate universe, he and i are playing cards and we laugh and clumsily dance and fall (in love), but in this universe, i wait.

and i hope it isn’t too late.

If he asks me to break the rules I made for myself, I will.
For him, I will, gladly.
life is all about taking risks and having your heartbroken a thousand times over but still waking up the next morning just so you could hear his laugh, his voice, his silence. to see him smile, and sleep, and weep, and exist beautifully and wonderfully without end. to hold his worries and doubt in the palm of your hands, to look up at him and see him smiling without pretend.
i will bring my walls to ruin just so he could see the way my heart is painted with his favorite color, see the way my hands would tremble at the thought of holding his, see himself the way i see him; full of warmth and kindness and hope and sunlight.

his smile is a poem i try and try to capture on paper and write
so i would always remember and never lose sight,
but i could never get it right.

but then, if it’s not love, what is it?

 

-(9/30/17)

 

Recovery

aloeplantt :

does anyone else have those moments where they just fall in love with being alive? like, maybe you’re in art class with soft music and you realize that this peaceful feeling is a part of life that you love and you want to just keep forever, and there are so many other parts of life too that are so wonderful and maybe existing isnt so bad after all

elphabaforpresidentofgallifrey :

is this what being not depressed is like

 

inkskinned :

no, this is what recovery is like. this is what being depressed is like, and it’s why we stay. because even when we’re sure this is it, this is the last day we can put up with it, this is the last hour, the last second – some part of us remembers these moments, and thinks – what if tomorrow has one of them.

i used to joke i have bad days and worse days. i almost never do well. i feel like i keep barely a nose above the water.

but in those rare, rare, rare seconds where the waves stop for one second and i catch sight of something other than dark, i see it. the way a rose looks after a rain. how my mother smiles when she knows it’s my favorite meal that’s cooking. my best friend looking over his shoulder to flip me off again. the bike i rode at 7 and crashed at 17. a little bug struggling with five little legs – but walking, walking.

recovery isn’t smashing into these moments and realizing it’s finally happened, what those people said is true and it “all gets better”. recovery is remembering those moments and deciding – i want them back. it’s looking for them. sometimes it takes hours. sometimes days. sometimes months without any sight of them. but you look, you search even when you’re too tired to keep your eyes open, because you promised yourself … tomorrow. tomorrow will be the day we find one. a four leaf clover we know is our sign, the rainbow, the wishing well – the way out.

and when you find one, they get easier. four leaf clovers always grow in the same patch, after all. and your eyes get sharper. you figure out what makes any small part of you happy. you figure out that you might not be happy, but it’s good enough to stick around to watch the way oil looks in puddles and how she always cries at new year’s. and it might not be blisteringly, soul-crushingly happy in the way other people seem to feel things – in that mind-numbing wordless joy that shines in them, that glow i’m so envious of, that effortlessness – but it will be like this, just quiet, a moment of rest, of the shouts dimming for a minute, a peace.

it’s easy to say “i’m depressed, i’ll never be happy.” maybe. i hope not, because i’m still looking. and in these moments i’ve rediscovered that i am funny, that i like the color pink, that kittens and puppies never fail me. in these moments i’m still depressed, still me, still fighting an illness that wants to end me. but i’m fighting. i seek these moments in every second i get because i’m here and breathing and after all this i’m going to be pissed if this gets the better of me.

maybe i’ll never figure out how to feel effortless and free. but i know that i feel love when the music is blaring and my hands are out the window and i feel love somewhere on the beach and i feel love watching salamanders wake up in the mornings. it’s not other people’s love, it’s far-off and it’s distant and it might not be “normal”, but it’s goddamn important to me.

i didn’t wake up better. i forced better to come fight me. i’ve been walking towards recovery since i was 19. five years later and no, i’m not cured, but i see a lot more of these moments. or maybe they were always there, and only now am i realizing what i got in front of me.

and when it’s been bad again? when i’m not even breathing? when it’s been months since i felt anything, when the stress is too much and the sky is dark and the moon in me has fallen silent? i say: hang on. tomorrow might be the day we find it. tomorrow might be worth the fight.

the best part about this? eventually, i’m right.

i’m spitting up little bits of myself. it’s okay. i don’t know why they call it breaking a heart. it feels like you took it in your fist and tore it apart. like if you squeeze something too much it pops. it’s good. i knew you would do this, i just forgot. something about you made me forget. i knew you would break me. i just wanted to pretend.

wide open

you caught me on a bad day

do you know how my chest caved in with each breath when i found out my baby cousin died? how his tiny fingers curled into a fist as he fought so fucking hard for his last breath? did you know how i, years later, still hear his screams on the 3rd of october?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know how at 4 years old, i knelt at the feet of my father, tears leaving bitter trails down my cheeks as i begged him to stay? did you know i changed? did you know how i dug my nails on my thighs leaving bloody moons to suppress and swallow back any protest when he left? how i, years later, stopped begging anyone to stay?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know at 13, i learned what puppy love is? did you know he gave me white roses and explained it reminded him of me, something pure, something innocent, something unbroken? did you know he gave me a ring before he left? did you know how i threw it away because he became too close? how i, years later, learned no one is going to stay therefore, i had to leave them first?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know how i would abandon all my friends in exchange for a temporary fix for my wanderlust? how i would switch schools every two years just because i learned i should never love anyone too much, never let anyone close enough, never let anyone hold me down? how i, years later, realized i’m thinking about breaking that habit?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know you actually gave me a reason to stay despite all the shit you’ve done? did you know how that makes me so fucking angry at myself because i know each time, i’d forgive you? did you know how i, for the first time in fucking years, wanted to stay in one place so bad because you’d be here?

do you know how much that scares me? do you know how much it hurt to know that you’re leaving? did you know my thighs have bloody crescents whenever you bring up leaving? did you know how i’d have to choke on my words, convincing you you’ll be happier there? did you know those words were the truth but i wanted to take them back, wanted to be selfish for once? did you know i have to distance myself from you, make you hate me, make you want someone else just so i’d feel the heartbreak sooner than later? how i go out everyday just to take my mind off you, off the thought of another important person leaving me once again? did you know i’ve been writing everyday to you just so i could breathe okay? did you know how i plan to give this notebook to you the day you’d finally leave so i wouldn’t hurt myself longer by seeing you again? did you know because of what you did, i no longer trust you? did you know what you did to me is the reason why i turned down your offer of a long distance relationship? and why i know they will never work?

but

isn’t it better this way? isn’t it better for you to have a blank canvas when you leave so you could fill it up with more beautiful colors? isn’t it better to cut off ties, to hurt ourselves now and to save ourselves from heartbreak? how i pray everyday it only hurts this much now, only to find myself uttering this for a week now and realizing the pain is the only thing that’s going to stay, long after you’ll leave.

did you know i miss you but it’s better this way, you know that, right?

you caught me on a bad life. maybe we’ll see each other on the next one.

it’s just that sometimes i get lonely and i can’t really put my finger only why. it’s just that when it’s two in the morning i have no one to text about the nightmares. nobody wants to hear about them. it’s just i’d like to be special once. i know that’s selfish. but i feel like if i forgot to scoop myself out of bed and rotted here instead nobody would notice i didn’t show up. i feel like nobody cares if i show up. isn’t that terrible of me. isn’t that fucked up.