I’ve been getting cold feet since you told me you were leaving and you weren’t sure if we could spend one last day together.

When I miss someone, it usually cones with this ache that feels an awful lot like heartbreak, as if I’m never going to see you again. And you leaving me feels like I’m reliving the moment when every single person I had loved, left me.

And I hate feeling so helpless because I know I can’t do anything if we can’t spend time these next few days. But it hurts a lot. Leaving this way tastes like regret in my mouth. Bitter. Not even the way your name rolls off my tongue can wash away the taste of you leaving.

I swear I’m trying, because I love you too much just to let you leave like that. People always left without a proper goodbye and they never came back. What if that happens with you? What if you didn’t come back or I didn’t come back? I imagine myself on a plane crash on the way to wherever I’m headed and I hate myself for being this selfish. I feel like I’ll only see you again on the next life. There’s this great divide between us already, and I don’t know how I can forge this distance between us.

I don’t want us to start a new chapter this way. I want to be able to spend time with you one more time, to be able to convince myself to not give up. Because I love you, I know with my whole soul that it’s meant to be yours. Every other lover I’ve had hadn’t been able to calm this uneasiness within me. They’ve come close, but I know I only want you. I want to feel your skin, to be able to remind myself that this is what I’ll be missing for the years to come.

Please let me say goodbye to you one last time. Please help me ease this pain. Please just let me be with you again. Every atom of my being is screaming because of the injustice of everything. The end doesn’t always justify the means. I don’t want to suffer in the years I’ll be missing you with only the mere probability that we might end up together.

I know we will. My heart and soul believes that it will still be you in the end. It’s only my mind that needs one last convincing.

I love you so much. Please just let me have this one last thing.

if there was a forever

These days have felt like a dream, and I’m always afraid I’m going to wake up and not find you here with me. You touching me gives me assurance that all of this is real, that you’re here, that you love me still. I never want to wake up, if this were a dream. I’ve been struggling to keep my tears at bay for a while now, I don’t want your memories of me to be sad. I want you to always remember me as someone constantly smiling, constantly clinging to your arm, constantly wanting to kiss you and joke around with. I want you to remember me happy, so that in the years we’re apart, when the ache of missing me becomes too much, you can remember to be happy as well.

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hey when i looked at you in the full roundness of your eyes i said i could find a part of you that i liked, right. because my mama always said that i should give men more chances, and that’s kind of fucked up but it’s the way things is. you know? girls are always always always bitches, but a man gets another chance no matter how many times he’s got no reason to be pardoned.

and i felt bad whenever i said no, or “i don’t like that” or “you move too quickly” i felt bad when i shifted away or went home or ran with my heart still locked in me. i felt like i had to make excuses for saying things, for being not-with-you, for not liking your opinions. give me a chance! you hollered at every intersection.

you’re right and i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m a bad person – i got a “gut feeling” and that’s not fair, is it, i’m supposed to have a hand of cards all full of your guilt or else it’s my fault, and it’s my fault, and i’m a bitch, and you’re actually a great person, and this is a dream, but god, when i flinch, i feel the crack in my teeth.

-raquel de aldarete

if i could exist in a thousand lifetimes and live a thousand different lives, i would find you in each one and love you in a million different ways the broken pieces of my heart would allow.

teach me how to love you and i swear i’ll never forget.

dalliance

dalliance
(n)
; A brief love affair.

you see, he’s the type of addiction that rips your soul open. always craving for his open heart, the innocence. you are always burning and hurting without him knowing the damage he’s inflicting everyday.

he smiles my way, never at me, but it leaves me aching all the same.
his soft heart cannot bear the darkness of this place.
i long to hear his lips forming the vowels of my name.
an augmented reality that leaves me aching for days.

what sort of infatuation leaves the soul wide open
the burn his smile leaves in every darkened moment
the feeling i experience staring out in the ocean
cannot ever compare to the words he’d spoken

the memories of summer remains to be the only thing he’d impart
of the constellations we promised on seems so far apart
he never picked up the splattered pieces of my heart
the pain i feel i can only call art

still he smiles and it never cease to leave me breathless
picturing the warmth in his eyes, i lie awake, restless

though the weight of his words feel like home
i am not surprised when i end up alone.

-Anthea Calonia

“There is a law somewhere that says that when one person is thoroughly smitten with the other, the other must unavoidably be smitten as well. Amor ch’a null’amato amar perdona. Love, which exempts no one who’s loved from loving, Francesca’s words in the Inferno. Just wait and be hopeful. I was hopeful, though perhaps this was what I had wanted all along. To wait forever.”
― André Aciman, Call Me by Your Name

Call Me by Your Name

“Then I thought of the drive back, late at night, along the starlit river to this rickety antique New England hotel on a shoreline that I hoped would remind us both of the bay of B., and of Van Gogh’s starry nights, and of the night I joined him on the rock and kissed him on the neck, and of the last night when we walked together on the coast road, sensing we’d run out of last-minute miracles to put off his leaving.

I imagined being in his car asking myself, Who knows, would I want to, would he want to, perhaps a nightcap at the bar would decide, knowing that, all through dinner that evening, he and I would be worrying about the same exact thing, hoping it might happen, praying it might not, perhaps a nightcap would decide – I could just read it on his face as I pictured him looking away while uncorking a bottle of wine or while changing the music, because he too would catch the thought racing through my mind and want me to know he was debating the exact same thing, because, as he’d pour the wine for his wife, for me, for himself, it would finally dawn on us both that he was more me than I had ever been myself, because when he became me and I became him in bed so many years ago, he was and would forever remain, long after every forked road in life had done its work, my brother, my friend, my father, my son, my husband, my lover, myself.

In the weeks we’d been thrown together that summer, our lives had scarcely touched, but we had crossed to the other bank, where time stops and heaven reaches down to earth and gives us that ration of what is from birth divinely ours. We looked the other way. We spoke of everything but. But we’ve always known, and not saying anything now confirmed it all the more.

We had found the stars, you and I. And this is given once only.”
― André Aciman, Call Me by Your Name

Find someone who feels like little black dress and big comfy sweater. Who is both the laughter of just-right tipsy and the slow blink of a good cup of coffee. Oh, love a storm and the fire and a midnight parade. But love someone who is also shelter, a haven, the place you come to stay. Love someone who makes you feel like 2 AM parties and finally-got-to-bed. When they feel like that first moment you get out of work clothes; keep them. Seek comfortable. It lasts the way some things won’t.

-r.i.d // via inskinned on tumblr