Icarus filled me with this unexplainable warmth
and his smile would always leave a mark
He was my sun, the light in my life,
the stars I would look up to whenever I’m in the dark
but then I saw how his coffee brown eyes
dulled and gradually lost color
As his flame slowly burned out
and his smile became smaller
I watched him slowly slip away from my grasp
In pieces I could never seem to catch
Because my hands are too tired to hold on and keep clasp
Around the heart no one seemed to match
If I were to go back in time,
If I were to replay a moment once more
Instead of him falling into the sea,
Let him fall into my arms, forevermore.
Instead of carving our story into a tragedy, I will cherish him and adore
I wouldn’t let him knock on suicide’s door
Take me back to the time where he still kissed my head.
Take me back to the warmth of his smile instead.
In honor of World Mental Health Day.
It’s not love, but if he needs me to stay up all night with him, I will.
these nights I lie awake with the thought of him on my mind
the way he smiles, the way his warm, brown eyes would light up, how he looks when he has his guard down. his vulnerability is an endearing quality i found myself captivated by.
and i don’t know why.
If he tells me to wait a hundred days for him, I will.
time doesn’t exist when he laughs, all those melody pouring out from his lips is a song i wish i could capture down and paint in the colors of his eyes, so that i may never forget.
in an alternate universe, he and i are playing cards and we laugh and clumsily dance and fall (in love), but in this universe, i wait.
and i hope it isn’t too late.
If he asks me to break the rules I made for myself, I will.
For him, I will, gladly.
life is all about taking risks and having your heartbroken a thousand times over but still waking up the next morning just so you could hear his laugh, his voice, his silence. to see him smile, and sleep, and weep, and exist beautifully and wonderfully without end. to hold his worries and doubt in the palm of your hands, to look up at him and see him smiling without pretend.
i will bring my walls to ruin just so he could see the way my heart is painted with his favorite color, see the way my hands would tremble at the thought of holding his, see himself the way i see him; full of warmth and kindness and hope and sunlight.
his smile is a poem i try and try to capture on paper and write
so i would always remember and never lose sight,
but i could never get it right.
but then, if it’s not love, what is it?
i’m spitting up little bits of myself. it’s okay. i don’t know why they call it breaking a heart. it feels like you took it in your fist and tore it apart. like if you squeeze something too much it pops. it’s good. i knew you would do this, i just forgot. something about you made me forget. i knew you would break me. i just wanted to pretend.
it’s just that sometimes i get lonely and i can’t really put my finger only why. it’s just that when it’s two in the morning i have no one to text about the nightmares. nobody wants to hear about them. it’s just i’d like to be special once. i know that’s selfish. but i feel like if i forgot to scoop myself out of bed and rotted here instead nobody would notice i didn’t show up. i feel like nobody cares if i show up. isn’t that terrible of me. isn’t that fucked up.
I’m telling myself it’s okay. I loved you with my everything and you just needed something different than I could put together. I’m saying I was a building sandcastles kind of person and you always asked why I bothered when it was going to wash away. I think we did our best. I’m saying I know she’ll be better than me in the end but I tried so hard I broke myself for it. That’s what I’ve been saying to myself, I guess: at least you tried. It’s just that you needed something different.
it’s getting messy. lex calls me on tuesday and leaves a voicemail. “i know you’re ignoring calls right now but we miss you.” i listen to that six times in a row and almost text back. everything sounds fake. what am i gonna say. sorry yet again i made you feel like you don’t matter to me. even the sun doesn’t matter to me. even my own body. i mark the message as “unseen” and hope i one day have the energy. getting back is always so many steps, so many apologies. the little things pile up. sorry about that time i let you down. oh and the other one. oh and those small things you never mentioned but we both know bother you. i want to fix things. i do. but i just don’t know how to.
i dreamed of a world without you,where i was emptied like a fish, my skin unfamiliar when it was untouched by you. i dreamed of a world where we were not one, where you never kissed me by accident and then again on purpose, where the two of us never got caught up in the moment. was i happier there? was i happier not knowing the ending? all i know is that it was a late morning, and i woke up sweating, and i live in the world where i cannot kiss you anymore. it’s okay, almost. i’m figuring out how that works. it’s just that i drank coffee. it’s just i don’t want to go to bed. it’s just i don’t know how to be better off without you. i can’t get you out of my head.