I’m telling myself it’s okay. I loved you with my everything and you just needed something different than I could put together. I’m saying I was a building sandcastles kind of person and you always asked why I bothered when it was going to wash away. I think we did our best. I’m saying I know she’ll be better than me in the end but I tried so hard I broke myself for it. That’s what I’ve been saying to myself, I guess: at least you tried. It’s just that you needed something different.
it’s getting messy. lex calls me on tuesday and leaves a voicemail. “i know you’re ignoring calls right now but we miss you.” i listen to that six times in a row and almost text back. everything sounds fake. what am i gonna say. sorry yet again i made you feel like you don’t matter to me. even the sun doesn’t matter to me. even my own body. i mark the message as “unseen” and hope i one day have the energy. getting back is always so many steps, so many apologies. the little things pile up. sorry about that time i let you down. oh and the other one. oh and those small things you never mentioned but we both know bother you. i want to fix things. i do. but i just don’t know how to.
i dreamed of a world without you,where i was emptied like a fish, my skin unfamiliar when it was untouched by you. i dreamed of a world where we were not one, where you never kissed me by accident and then again on purpose, where the two of us never got caught up in the moment. was i happier there? was i happier not knowing the ending? all i know is that it was a late morning, and i woke up sweating, and i live in the world where i cannot kiss you anymore. it’s okay, almost. i’m figuring out how that works. it’s just that i drank coffee. it’s just i don’t want to go to bed. it’s just i don’t know how to be better off without you. i can’t get you out of my head.
He is brighter up close. More than you could ever imagine. He is half-god, half-dream. When the war comes–and the war will come–his eyes will turn to ichor. His skin will harden, harshen. The tragedy is that he will love you still. He will return, blink away the grandeur of godhood, come to you human and bare and seeking. He will be his brightest when you see his smile.
He will be the sharpest when he shapes a different smile of his spear.
‘You’ll kill him,’ Poseidon tells him, with the calm of a sea at its most dangerous. ‘You love him and you won’t mean to, but you will.’
Apollo glances at him sharply, ‘You’re the one who drowns him.’
Poseidon’s smile is smug and serene, and he hates it, ‘Yes.’ Then he’s leaning forward, lips brushing his ear in a caress of salt-wind-wet that would feel too intimate if Apollo didn’t know it to be anything other than spite. ‘But out of ruinous love for you,’ murmurs the sea, ‘it’s into my arms he’ll fall.’
A strangled shout—
A crash of waves against the shore—
and Poseidon is gone.
Apollo remains there, hollowed out and worn because he can picture it all too well. The boy with a heart overfull and yet still so hungry. His eyes, how they’ll turn from ecstasy to agony as he learns that you can be destroyed by what you love. A small eternity of falling, the despair of it and the longing.
He thinks of Icarus’ back, the supple curve he’s so often traced, and the marks he’s put there. Because if the boy is greedy, then oh how the sun is too.
He thinks of Icarus breaking upon the waves and—
an ocean embrace putting him back together, a smile of triumph against soft skin, hands and lips soothing the burns on his back with a pleasure to hide the pain.
Those hands and lips are not his own, and Apollo finds he can barely breathe.
— the sun dreams of murder // (c.ruth)
#421 Icarus with burns on his back
today i kissed a god. he of bitter rage and tears staining gold-tracks right down his face, hands gripping my shoulders, eyes open, open and staring. what did it feel like? he asked. how does it feel like to kiss something so holy, to feel your insides burning up, every single angel screaming in perfect, damning chorus? today i kissed a god, and told him that nothing he ever did would make him human. today i kissed a god and made him weep.
Love hurts, but so does everything else.