Icarus

Icarus filled me with this unexplainable warmth
and his smile would always leave a mark
He was my sun, the light in my life,
the stars I would look up to whenever I’m in the dark

but then I saw how his coffee brown eyes
dulled and gradually lost color
As his flame slowly burned out
and his smile became smaller

I watched him slowly slip away from my grasp
In pieces I could never seem to catch
Because my hands are too tired to hold on and keep clasp
Around the heart no one seemed to match

If I were to go back in time,
If I were to replay a moment once more
Instead of him falling into the sea,
Let him fall into my arms, forevermore.

Instead of carving our story into a tragedy, I will cherish him and adore
I wouldn’t let him knock on suicide’s door

Take me back to the time where he still kissed my head.
Take me back to the warmth of his smile instead.

-10-10-17
In honor of World Mental Health Day.

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Recovery

aloeplantt :

does anyone else have those moments where they just fall in love with being alive? like, maybe you’re in art class with soft music and you realize that this peaceful feeling is a part of life that you love and you want to just keep forever, and there are so many other parts of life too that are so wonderful and maybe existing isnt so bad after all

elphabaforpresidentofgallifrey :

is this what being not depressed is like

 

inkskinned :

no, this is what recovery is like. this is what being depressed is like, and it’s why we stay. because even when we’re sure this is it, this is the last day we can put up with it, this is the last hour, the last second – some part of us remembers these moments, and thinks – what if tomorrow has one of them.

i used to joke i have bad days and worse days. i almost never do well. i feel like i keep barely a nose above the water.

but in those rare, rare, rare seconds where the waves stop for one second and i catch sight of something other than dark, i see it. the way a rose looks after a rain. how my mother smiles when she knows it’s my favorite meal that’s cooking. my best friend looking over his shoulder to flip me off again. the bike i rode at 7 and crashed at 17. a little bug struggling with five little legs – but walking, walking.

recovery isn’t smashing into these moments and realizing it’s finally happened, what those people said is true and it “all gets better”. recovery is remembering those moments and deciding – i want them back. it’s looking for them. sometimes it takes hours. sometimes days. sometimes months without any sight of them. but you look, you search even when you’re too tired to keep your eyes open, because you promised yourself … tomorrow. tomorrow will be the day we find one. a four leaf clover we know is our sign, the rainbow, the wishing well – the way out.

and when you find one, they get easier. four leaf clovers always grow in the same patch, after all. and your eyes get sharper. you figure out what makes any small part of you happy. you figure out that you might not be happy, but it’s good enough to stick around to watch the way oil looks in puddles and how she always cries at new year’s. and it might not be blisteringly, soul-crushingly happy in the way other people seem to feel things – in that mind-numbing wordless joy that shines in them, that glow i’m so envious of, that effortlessness – but it will be like this, just quiet, a moment of rest, of the shouts dimming for a minute, a peace.

it’s easy to say “i’m depressed, i’ll never be happy.” maybe. i hope not, because i’m still looking. and in these moments i’ve rediscovered that i am funny, that i like the color pink, that kittens and puppies never fail me. in these moments i’m still depressed, still me, still fighting an illness that wants to end me. but i’m fighting. i seek these moments in every second i get because i’m here and breathing and after all this i’m going to be pissed if this gets the better of me.

maybe i’ll never figure out how to feel effortless and free. but i know that i feel love when the music is blaring and my hands are out the window and i feel love somewhere on the beach and i feel love watching salamanders wake up in the mornings. it’s not other people’s love, it’s far-off and it’s distant and it might not be “normal”, but it’s goddamn important to me.

i didn’t wake up better. i forced better to come fight me. i’ve been walking towards recovery since i was 19. five years later and no, i’m not cured, but i see a lot more of these moments. or maybe they were always there, and only now am i realizing what i got in front of me.

and when it’s been bad again? when i’m not even breathing? when it’s been months since i felt anything, when the stress is too much and the sky is dark and the moon in me has fallen silent? i say: hang on. tomorrow might be the day we find it. tomorrow might be worth the fight.

the best part about this? eventually, i’m right.

wide open

you caught me on a bad day

do you know how my chest caved in with each breath when i found out my baby cousin died? how his tiny fingers curled into a fist as he fought so fucking hard for his last breath? did you know how i, years later, still hear his screams on the 3rd of october?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know how at 4 years old, i knelt at the feet of my father, tears leaving bitter trails down my cheeks as i begged him to stay? did you know i changed? did you know how i dug my nails on my thighs leaving bloody moons to suppress and swallow back any protest when he left? how i, years later, stopped begging anyone to stay?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know at 13, i learned what puppy love is? did you know he gave me white roses and explained it reminded him of me, something pure, something innocent, something unbroken? did you know he gave me a ring before he left? did you know how i threw it away because he became too close? how i, years later, learned no one is going to stay therefore, i had to leave them first?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know how i would abandon all my friends in exchange for a temporary fix for my wanderlust? how i would switch schools every two years just because i learned i should never love anyone too much, never let anyone close enough, never let anyone hold me down? how i, years later, realized i’m thinking about breaking that habit?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know you actually gave me a reason to stay despite all the shit you’ve done? did you know how that makes me so fucking angry at myself because i know each time, i’d forgive you? did you know how i, for the first time in fucking years, wanted to stay in one place so bad because you’d be here?

do you know how much that scares me? do you know how much it hurt to know that you’re leaving? did you know my thighs have bloody crescents whenever you bring up leaving? did you know how i’d have to choke on my words, convincing you you’ll be happier there? did you know those words were the truth but i wanted to take them back, wanted to be selfish for once? did you know i have to distance myself from you, make you hate me, make you want someone else just so i’d feel the heartbreak sooner than later? how i go out everyday just to take my mind off you, off the thought of another important person leaving me once again? did you know i’ve been writing everyday to you just so i could breathe okay? did you know how i plan to give this notebook to you the day you’d finally leave so i wouldn’t hurt myself longer by seeing you again? did you know because of what you did, i no longer trust you? did you know what you did to me is the reason why i turned down your offer of a long distance relationship? and why i know they will never work?

but

isn’t it better this way? isn’t it better for you to have a blank canvas when you leave so you could fill it up with more beautiful colors? isn’t it better to cut off ties, to hurt ourselves now and to save ourselves from heartbreak? how i pray everyday it only hurts this much now, only to find myself uttering this for a week now and realizing the pain is the only thing that’s going to stay, long after you’ll leave.

did you know i miss you but it’s better this way, you know that, right?

you caught me on a bad life. maybe we’ll see each other on the next one.

I’m telling myself it’s okay. I loved you with my everything and you just needed something different than I could put together. I’m saying I was a building sandcastles kind of person and you always asked why I bothered when it was going to wash away. I think we did our best. I’m saying I know she’ll be better than me in the end but I tried so hard I broke myself for it. That’s what I’ve been saying to myself, I guess: at least you tried. It’s just that you needed something different.

a world where you and i didnt coexist

i dreamed of a world without you,where i was emptied like a fish, my skin unfamiliar when it was untouched by you. i dreamed of a world where we were not one, where you never kissed me by accident and then again on purpose, where the two of us never got caught up in the moment. was i happier there? was i happier not knowing the ending? all i know is that it was a late morning, and i woke up sweating, and i live in the world where i cannot kiss you anymore. it’s okay, almost. i’m figuring out how that works. it’s just that i drank coffee. it’s just i don’t want to go to bed. it’s just i don’t know how to be better off without you. i can’t get you out of my head.

R E I N C A R N A T I O N

This is the way heartbreak is supposed to be,
blank stares and pretty lies; a facade of misery.
Intricate designs of pains and plains on white sheets,
stained with the blood of whose secrets you couldn’t keep.

The heartache this love brings never seem to meet it’s denouement.
Azure-colored skies in wide eyes buried in this sculpted monument.
A breath of relief inside once-empty ribcages.
I’ve tasted the braille of your lips along inkskinned pages.

Blood drips between the lines of your hands I’ve written and rhymed,
looking for the sound of your laughter in this melody I can never seem to find.
I’ve been burned by the sound of my name on your tongue all this time.
I will never accept a life where you were never mine.

//REINCARNATION (11-21-16)

D E N O U E M E N T

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“We could have been happy.” he said, the words unwrapping from their vice-like grip on his throat, like vines. The gentle murmur of his voice drew out a foreign feeling deep within her confines.

“Happy?” her voice rising an octave in contrast with the anger surfacing from her ribcage, “You think cheating is something I would brush off?” she screamed in rage. Their situation is something you would see on a movie or a stage. Something you would read off a ripped-off page, a foreign feeling that you can’t ever cage.

“I had understood why you did it the first time. Hell, I forgave you,” she explained, her voice still in a crescendo of pain, “but this is too much, don’t you think?”
Feeling okay is not something she could feign, as it would only end in vain. He is the blood that runs through her blue veins, a risk she would bet on until nothing remained.

“I’m sorry. I love you. I’m begging you.” That was all he could ever say, it played in a continuous loop as if it would make everything okay. The color in her life was all but fading to gray. There’s no medicine or song that would make the pain go away, no words poetic enough can make her stay.

“I’m sorry, I love you. I promise to make it all right. Once more chance is all I’m asking, is that such a crime?”

“Yes, it is. You think I’ll be fine? You think I’ll brush off your mistakes every time? I’ve had enough, I’m done. Our hearts no longer rhyme. I’m through with being just your pastime.”

“But I love you, I love you. I love your whole soul. Please just don’t leave me, you make me whole.”

“Can you stop being selfish for once? What about me? I can’t forgive what you’ve done. It’s hurts, can’t you see?” She let out a cry, she wanted to plea, but she knew in her heart, they could no longer be.

“So this is it? All the pain and effort’s prize? All the late night calls and endless cries? All our plans in the future has met it’s demise. All this just so we’d end our love in goodbye?” He clarifies, not wanting to open his eyes to the truth. He wants all to be a lie, not wanting to lose.

“This dance that we seem to be having is long overdue. In another life, we would once again rendezvous. But good god, you’ve painted my skies so blue, I know that I would never, ever forget you.”

This is the end, their love’s denouement. The case of breaking trust, in lust, and abandonment. Their time together was only for a moment, their memories and words are now only just fragments.