i’m spitting up little bits of myself. it’s okay. i don’t know why they call it breaking a heart. it feels like you took it in your fist and tore it apart. like if you squeeze something too much it pops. it’s good. i knew you would do this, i just forgot. something about you made me forget. i knew you would break me. i just wanted to pretend.

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you caught me on a bad day

do you know how my chest caved in with each breath when i found out my baby cousin died? how his tiny fingers curled into a fist as he fought so fucking hard for his last breath? did you know how i, years later, still hear his screams on the 3rd of october?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know how at 4 years old, i knelt at the feet of my father, tears leaving bitter trails down my cheeks as i begged him to stay? did you know i changed? did you know how i dug my nails on my thighs leaving bloody moons to suppress and swallow back any protest when he left? how i, years later, stopped begging anyone to stay?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know at 13, i learned what puppy love is? did you know he gave me white roses and explained it reminded him of me, something pure, something innocent, something unbroken? did you know he gave me a ring before he left? did you know how i threw it away because he became too close? how i, years later, learned no one is going to stay therefore, i had to leave them first?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know how i would abandon all my friends in exchange for a temporary fix for my wanderlust? how i would switch schools every two years just because i learned i should never love anyone too much, never let anyone close enough, never let anyone hold me down? how i, years later, realized i’m thinking about breaking that habit?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know you actually gave me a reason to stay despite all the shit you’ve done? did you know how that makes me so fucking angry at myself because i know each time, i’d forgive you? did you know how i, for the first time in fucking years, wanted to stay in one place so bad because you’d be here?

do you know how much that scares me? do you know how much it hurt to know that you’re leaving? did you know my thighs have bloody crescents whenever you bring up leaving? did you know how i’d have to choke on my words, convincing you you’ll be happier there? did you know those words were the truth but i wanted to take them back, wanted to be selfish for once? did you know i have to distance myself from you, make you hate me, make you want someone else just so i’d feel the heartbreak sooner than later? how i go out everyday just to take my mind off you, off the thought of another important person leaving me once again? did you know i’ve been writing everyday to you just so i could breathe okay? did you know how i plan to give this notebook to you the day you’d finally leave so i wouldn’t hurt myself longer by seeing you again? did you know because of what you did, i no longer trust you? did you know what you did to me is the reason why i turned down your offer of a long distance relationship? and why i know they will never work?

but

isn’t it better this way? isn’t it better for you to have a blank canvas when you leave so you could fill it up with more beautiful colors? isn’t it better to cut off ties, to hurt ourselves now and to save ourselves from heartbreak? how i pray everyday it only hurts this much now, only to find myself uttering this for a week now and realizing the pain is the only thing that’s going to stay, long after you’ll leave.

did you know i miss you but it’s better this way, you know that, right?

you caught me on a bad life. maybe we’ll see each other on the next one.

it’s getting messy. lex calls me on tuesday and leaves a voicemail. “i know you’re ignoring calls right now but we miss you.” i listen to that six times in a row and almost text back. everything sounds fake. what am i gonna say. sorry yet again i made you feel like you don’t matter to me. even the sun doesn’t matter to me. even my own body. i mark the message as “unseen” and hope i one day have the energy. getting back is always so many steps, so many apologies. the little things pile up. sorry about that time i let you down. oh and the other one. oh and those small things you never mentioned but we both know bother you. i want to fix things. i do. but i just don’t know how to.

a world where you and i didnt coexist

i dreamed of a world without you,where i was emptied like a fish, my skin unfamiliar when it was untouched by you. i dreamed of a world where we were not one, where you never kissed me by accident and then again on purpose, where the two of us never got caught up in the moment. was i happier there? was i happier not knowing the ending? all i know is that it was a late morning, and i woke up sweating, and i live in the world where i cannot kiss you anymore. it’s okay, almost. i’m figuring out how that works. it’s just that i drank coffee. it’s just i don’t want to go to bed. it’s just i don’t know how to be better off without you. i can’t get you out of my head.

D E N O U E M E N T

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“We could have been happy.” he said, the words unwrapping from their vice-like grip on his throat, like vines. The gentle murmur of his voice drew out a foreign feeling deep within her confines.

“Happy?” her voice rising an octave in contrast with the anger surfacing from her ribcage, “You think cheating is something I would brush off?” she screamed in rage. Their situation is something you would see on a movie or a stage. Something you would read off a ripped-off page, a foreign feeling that you can’t ever cage.

“I had understood why you did it the first time. Hell, I forgave you,” she explained, her voice still in a crescendo of pain, “but this is too much, don’t you think?”
Feeling okay is not something she could feign, as it would only end in vain. He is the blood that runs through her blue veins, a risk she would bet on until nothing remained.

“I’m sorry. I love you. I’m begging you.” That was all he could ever say, it played in a continuous loop as if it would make everything okay. The color in her life was all but fading to gray. There’s no medicine or song that would make the pain go away, no words poetic enough can make her stay.

“I’m sorry, I love you. I promise to make it all right. Once more chance is all I’m asking, is that such a crime?”

“Yes, it is. You think I’ll be fine? You think I’ll brush off your mistakes every time? I’ve had enough, I’m done. Our hearts no longer rhyme. I’m through with being just your pastime.”

“But I love you, I love you. I love your whole soul. Please just don’t leave me, you make me whole.”

“Can you stop being selfish for once? What about me? I can’t forgive what you’ve done. It’s hurts, can’t you see?” She let out a cry, she wanted to plea, but she knew in her heart, they could no longer be.

“So this is it? All the pain and effort’s prize? All the late night calls and endless cries? All our plans in the future has met it’s demise. All this just so we’d end our love in goodbye?” He clarifies, not wanting to open his eyes to the truth. He wants all to be a lie, not wanting to lose.

“This dance that we seem to be having is long overdue. In another life, we would once again rendezvous. But good god, you’ve painted my skies so blue, I know that I would never, ever forget you.”

This is the end, their love’s denouement. The case of breaking trust, in lust, and abandonment. Their time together was only for a moment, their memories and words are now only just fragments.

A LOVE LETTER TO MY FIRST LOVE

Dear X,

Three years later, seeing you smile still draws a feeling deep within the hollows of my ribcage. I thought I had gotten over you seeing as I’ve had been with someone else after you, but his eyes couldn’t compare to the warmth in yours. I thought I had loved him with every atom of my being, but I always found myself comparing the both of you. From the softness of your lips, the curve of your jaw, the rough pads of your palms, all these drove me insane.

I miss you. I wish I could’ve stayed. I wish I didn’t have to move miles away. Sometimes, I’d hear the melody of a guitar and I picture you, your fingers strumming, your lips stretching into a wide smile. I’d picture myself back to the time where you and I existed in the same moment where I sat there with shaking hands and a confession on the tip of my tongue as I watched you play the guitar. I wish we could’ve been more than best friends.

There were a lot of things I regretted. I wish I had the courage to tell you how I felt back then, how you made me see the stars, the constellations, the beauty of life when I felt like giving up. Your lips are the sweetest drug I never got to taste. I’ve seen the way you looked at me when I stumbled over my words, I wish you would have kissed me to shut me up.

How can I forgive myself for not telling you how I stumbled over my words whenever you’re around? Do you ever stop loving someone who never knew how you felt? Do you ever learn to forgive yourself for not telling them?

I miss you. I hope you’re doing well with her. Your laughter is still a melody I’d spend my whole life listening to, if I could. Your eyes are still my stars when I’ve lost hope. I have loved you from the very start, I hope you’ll take good care of my heart. It will always be yours.

How ever selfish this may be, I hope you still feel the same way about me.

Sincerely Yours.