Icarus

Icarus filled me with this unexplainable warmth
and his smile would always leave a mark
He was my sun, the light in my life,
the stars I would look up to whenever I’m in the dark

but then I saw how his coffee brown eyes
dulled and gradually lost color
As his flame slowly burned out
and his smile became smaller

I watched him slowly slip away from my grasp
In pieces I could never seem to catch
Because my hands are too tired to hold on and keep clasp
Around the heart no one seemed to match

If I were to go back in time,
If I were to replay a moment once more
Instead of him falling into the sea,
Let him fall into my arms, forevermore.

Instead of carving our story into a tragedy, I will cherish him and adore
I wouldn’t let him knock on suicide’s door

Take me back to the time where he still kissed my head.
Take me back to the warmth of his smile instead.

-10-10-17
In honor of World Mental Health Day.

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it’s getting messy. lex calls me on tuesday and leaves a voicemail. “i know you’re ignoring calls right now but we miss you.” i listen to that six times in a row and almost text back. everything sounds fake. what am i gonna say. sorry yet again i made you feel like you don’t matter to me. even the sun doesn’t matter to me. even my own body. i mark the message as “unseen” and hope i one day have the energy. getting back is always so many steps, so many apologies. the little things pile up. sorry about that time i let you down. oh and the other one. oh and those small things you never mentioned but we both know bother you. i want to fix things. i do. but i just don’t know how to.

a world where you and i didnt coexist

i dreamed of a world without you,where i was emptied like a fish, my skin unfamiliar when it was untouched by you. i dreamed of a world where we were not one, where you never kissed me by accident and then again on purpose, where the two of us never got caught up in the moment. was i happier there? was i happier not knowing the ending? all i know is that it was a late morning, and i woke up sweating, and i live in the world where i cannot kiss you anymore. it’s okay, almost. i’m figuring out how that works. it’s just that i drank coffee. it’s just i don’t want to go to bed. it’s just i don’t know how to be better off without you. i can’t get you out of my head.