wide open

you caught me on a bad day

do you know how my chest caved in with each breath when i found out my baby cousin died? how his tiny fingers curled into a fist as he fought so fucking hard for his last breath? did you know how i, years later, still hear his screams on the 3rd of october?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know how at 4 years old, i knelt at the feet of my father, tears leaving bitter trails down my cheeks as i begged him to stay? did you know i changed? did you know how i dug my nails on my thighs leaving bloody moons to suppress and swallow back any protest when he left? how i, years later, stopped begging anyone to stay?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know at 13, i learned what puppy love is? did you know he gave me white roses and explained it reminded him of me, something pure, something innocent, something unbroken? did you know he gave me a ring before he left? did you know how i threw it away because he became too close? how i, years later, learned no one is going to stay therefore, i had to leave them first?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know how i would abandon all my friends in exchange for a temporary fix for my wanderlust? how i would switch schools every two years just because i learned i should never love anyone too much, never let anyone close enough, never let anyone hold me down? how i, years later, realized i’m thinking about breaking that habit?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know you actually gave me a reason to stay despite all the shit you’ve done? did you know how that makes me so fucking angry at myself because i know each time, i’d forgive you? did you know how i, for the first time in fucking years, wanted to stay in one place so bad because you’d be here?

do you know how much that scares me? do you know how much it hurt to know that you’re leaving? did you know my thighs have bloody crescents whenever you bring up leaving? did you know how i’d have to choke on my words, convincing you you’ll be happier there? did you know those words were the truth but i wanted to take them back, wanted to be selfish for once? did you know i have to distance myself from you, make you hate me, make you want someone else just so i’d feel the heartbreak sooner than later? how i go out everyday just to take my mind off you, off the thought of another important person leaving me once again? did you know i’ve been writing everyday to you just so i could breathe okay? did you know how i plan to give this notebook to you the day you’d finally leave so i wouldn’t hurt myself longer by seeing you again? did you know because of what you did, i no longer trust you? did you know what you did to me is the reason why i turned down your offer of a long distance relationship? and why i know they will never work?

but

isn’t it better this way? isn’t it better for you to have a blank canvas when you leave so you could fill it up with more beautiful colors? isn’t it better to cut off ties, to hurt ourselves now and to save ourselves from heartbreak? how i pray everyday it only hurts this much now, only to find myself uttering this for a week now and realizing the pain is the only thing that’s going to stay, long after you’ll leave.

did you know i miss you but it’s better this way, you know that, right?

you caught me on a bad life. maybe we’ll see each other on the next one.

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A LOVE LETTER TO MY FIRST LOVE

Dear X,

Three years later, seeing you smile still draws a feeling deep within the hollows of my ribcage. I thought I had gotten over you seeing as I’ve had been with someone else after you, but his eyes couldn’t compare to the warmth in yours. I thought I had loved him with every atom of my being, but I always found myself comparing the both of you. From the softness of your lips, the curve of your jaw, the rough pads of your palms, all these drove me insane.

I miss you. I wish I could’ve stayed. I wish I didn’t have to move miles away. Sometimes, I’d hear the melody of a guitar and I picture you, your fingers strumming, your lips stretching into a wide smile. I’d picture myself back to the time where you and I existed in the same moment where I sat there with shaking hands and a confession on the tip of my tongue as I watched you play the guitar. I wish we could’ve been more than best friends.

There were a lot of things I regretted. I wish I had the courage to tell you how I felt back then, how you made me see the stars, the constellations, the beauty of life when I felt like giving up. Your lips are the sweetest drug I never got to taste. I’ve seen the way you looked at me when I stumbled over my words, I wish you would have kissed me to shut me up.

How can I forgive myself for not telling you how I stumbled over my words whenever you’re around? Do you ever stop loving someone who never knew how you felt? Do you ever learn to forgive yourself for not telling them?

I miss you. I hope you’re doing well with her. Your laughter is still a melody I’d spend my whole life listening to, if I could. Your eyes are still my stars when I’ve lost hope. I have loved you from the very start, I hope you’ll take good care of my heart. It will always be yours.

How ever selfish this may be, I hope you still feel the same way about me.

Sincerely Yours.