teach me how to love you and i swear i’ll never forget.

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dalliance

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dalliance
(n)
; A brief love affair.

you see, he’s the type of addiction that rips your soul open. always craving for his open heart, the innocence. you are always burning and hurting without him knowing the damage he’s inflicting everyday.

he smiles my way, never at me, but it leaves me aching all the same.
his soft heart cannot bear the darkness of this place.
i long to hear his lips forming the vowels of my name.
an augmented reality that leaves me aching for days.

what sort of infatuation leaves the soul wide open
the burn his smile leaves in every darkened moment
the feeling i experience staring out in the ocean
cannot ever compare to the words he’d spoken

the memories of summer remains to be the only thing he’d impart
of the constellations we promised on seems so far apart
he never picked up the splattered pieces of my heart
the pain i feel i can only call art

still he smiles and it never cease to leave me breathless
picturing the warmth in his eyes, i lie awake, restless

though the weight of his words feel like home
i am not surprised when i end up alone.

-Anthea Calonia

Icarus

Icarus filled me with this unexplainable warmth
and his smile would always leave a mark
He was my sun, the light in my life,
the stars I would look up to whenever I’m in the dark

but then I saw how his coffee brown eyes
dulled and gradually lost color
As his flame slowly burned out
and his smile became smaller

I watched him slowly slip away from my grasp
In pieces I could never seem to catch
Because my hands are too tired to hold on and keep clasp
Around the heart no one seemed to match

If I were to go back in time,
If I were to replay a moment once more
Instead of him falling into the sea,
Let him fall into my arms, forevermore.

Instead of carving our story into a tragedy, I will cherish him and adore
I wouldn’t let him knock on suicide’s door

Take me back to the time where he still kissed my head.
Take me back to the warmth of his smile instead.

-10-10-17
In honor of World Mental Health Day.

wide open

you caught me on a bad day

do you know how my chest caved in with each breath when i found out my baby cousin died? how his tiny fingers curled into a fist as he fought so fucking hard for his last breath? did you know how i, years later, still hear his screams on the 3rd of october?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know how at 4 years old, i knelt at the feet of my father, tears leaving bitter trails down my cheeks as i begged him to stay? did you know i changed? did you know how i dug my nails on my thighs leaving bloody moons to suppress and swallow back any protest when he left? how i, years later, stopped begging anyone to stay?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know at 13, i learned what puppy love is? did you know he gave me white roses and explained it reminded him of me, something pure, something innocent, something unbroken? did you know he gave me a ring before he left? did you know how i threw it away because he became too close? how i, years later, learned no one is going to stay therefore, i had to leave them first?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know how i would abandon all my friends in exchange for a temporary fix for my wanderlust? how i would switch schools every two years just because i learned i should never love anyone too much, never let anyone close enough, never let anyone hold me down? how i, years later, realized i’m thinking about breaking that habit?

you caught me on a bad day

did you know you actually gave me a reason to stay despite all the shit you’ve done? did you know how that makes me so fucking angry at myself because i know each time, i’d forgive you? did you know how i, for the first time in fucking years, wanted to stay in one place so bad because you’d be here?

do you know how much that scares me? do you know how much it hurt to know that you’re leaving? did you know my thighs have bloody crescents whenever you bring up leaving? did you know how i’d have to choke on my words, convincing you you’ll be happier there? did you know those words were the truth but i wanted to take them back, wanted to be selfish for once? did you know i have to distance myself from you, make you hate me, make you want someone else just so i’d feel the heartbreak sooner than later? how i go out everyday just to take my mind off you, off the thought of another important person leaving me once again? did you know i’ve been writing everyday to you just so i could breathe okay? did you know how i plan to give this notebook to you the day you’d finally leave so i wouldn’t hurt myself longer by seeing you again? did you know because of what you did, i no longer trust you? did you know what you did to me is the reason why i turned down your offer of a long distance relationship? and why i know they will never work?

but

isn’t it better this way? isn’t it better for you to have a blank canvas when you leave so you could fill it up with more beautiful colors? isn’t it better to cut off ties, to hurt ourselves now and to save ourselves from heartbreak? how i pray everyday it only hurts this much now, only to find myself uttering this for a week now and realizing the pain is the only thing that’s going to stay, long after you’ll leave.

did you know i miss you but it’s better this way, you know that, right?

you caught me on a bad life. maybe we’ll see each other on the next one.

I’m telling myself it’s okay. I loved you with my everything and you just needed something different than I could put together. I’m saying I was a building sandcastles kind of person and you always asked why I bothered when it was going to wash away. I think we did our best. I’m saying I know she’ll be better than me in the end but I tried so hard I broke myself for it. That’s what I’ve been saying to myself, I guess: at least you tried. It’s just that you needed something different.

a world where you and i didnt coexist

i dreamed of a world without you,where i was emptied like a fish, my skin unfamiliar when it was untouched by you. i dreamed of a world where we were not one, where you never kissed me by accident and then again on purpose, where the two of us never got caught up in the moment. was i happier there? was i happier not knowing the ending? all i know is that it was a late morning, and i woke up sweating, and i live in the world where i cannot kiss you anymore. it’s okay, almost. i’m figuring out how that works. it’s just that i drank coffee. it’s just i don’t want to go to bed. it’s just i don’t know how to be better off without you. i can’t get you out of my head.

//the sun dreams of murder

‘You’ll kill him,’ Poseidon tells him, with the calm of a sea at its most dangerous. ‘You love him and you won’t mean to, but you will.’

Apollo glances at him sharply, ‘You’re the one who drowns him.’

Poseidon’s smile is smug and serene, and he hates it, ‘Yes.’ Then he’s leaning forward, lips brushing his ear in a caress of salt-wind-wet that would feel too intimate if Apollo didn’t know it to be anything other than spite. ‘But out of ruinous love for you,’ murmurs the sea, ‘it’s into my arms he’ll fall.’

A strangled shout—

A crash of waves against the shore—

and Poseidon is gone.

Apollo remains there, hollowed out and worn because he can picture it all too well. The boy with a heart overfull and yet still so hungry. His eyes, how they’ll turn from ecstasy to agony as he learns that you can be destroyed by what you love. A small eternity of falling, the despair of it and the longing.

He thinks of Icarus’ back, the supple curve he’s so often traced, and the marks he’s put there. Because if the boy is greedy, then oh how the sun is too.

He thinks of Icarus breaking upon the waves and—

an ocean embrace putting him back together, a smile of triumph against soft skin, hands and lips soothing the burns on his back with a pleasure to hide the pain.

Those hands and lips are not his own, and Apollo finds he can barely breathe.

— the sun dreams of murder // (c.ruth)

#421 Icarus with burns on his back